As a man, I’m not sure this is something I am allowed to talk much about, but it’s a topic I’ve noticed as being notably absent in our world, something we need to fix.
And now that so many of us are on screens most of our days, it seems an especially good time to talk about the sensual part of ourselves, our understanding of “eros,” because pornography is so accessible, and its ubiquity gets in the way of many of us leading healthy, integrated lives, or forming meaningful partnerships. We become addicts to our screens in a multitude of ways.
The reason our culture created a divide between sexuality/sensuality (sensuality linked to Eros), and spirituality, is because there was an understanding that those in leadership positions in churches and religious institutions could not be distracted by sexual urges, and so must cut off the possibility of sexual partners in order to focus on God, or the divine.
The problem, however, is that this created a disconnect in understanding and in the experiences of religious leaders and the rest of society, the “civilians” or “citizenry.” Society’s understanding of what is holy became dissociated from the physical, the sexual, the sensual, even though these are elements in life that often make us feel alive and propagate our species. Our sensual experience is linked to pleasure, and there is a belief rooted deep in much of western religious philosophy that we are not meant to be happy or experience pleasure in our lives, but instead are meant to suffer. In suffering, we are taught, we better serve others. (There is an erotic fetish, for some, with regard to Jesus suffering on the cross.) We must cut this sexual part out of ourselves, we are told, or control it in the way we are taught by those called “leaders,” who purport never even to partake in this aspect of life.
Because of this dissociation of the sexual and the spiritual, religious leaders had and continue to have secret sexual affairs, or experience sexual lives that are perhaps non-consensual, because there are no (or terribly few) models of a healthy integration of sexuality and spirituality in our Christocentric culture. Sex scandals erupt because people who think they are consenting in the moment look back and recognize they are persuaded unfairly, or deceived into believing something by “superiors,” and/or don’t know how to respect their bodies or their own self-will in general.
Thus we have a culture, in America for instance, where a suppression of healthy sexuality, and outmoded, outdated beliefs about our sexual nature reign supreme, while people quietly (and often painfully) try to piece together an understanding of their sexuality in a way that nurtures a full and integrated life.
Monogamy was never taught by Jesus, the supposed “founder” of the Christian-centered America. Monogamy came from later church leaders, and from the letters written by the apostle Paul, who chose not to marry and instead stayed celibate. (Perhaps he had an issue with partnerships?)
And yet, as with the selection of the new female supreme court justice, America insists upon Christian monogamy as the norm, an emphasis on causes called “pro-life” that are really aimed at ownership of women’s bodies and women’s decisions with no substantial support for mothering, and a refusal to teach children, adolescents, and even adults about the sexual, sensual, erotic nature we all have latent within us, which can be used to foster creativity, happiness, creative expression, and an understanding of our bodies that contributes to a more well-rounded life and society.
It seems to me it would be great if a new kind or church was founded, one where wise women could lead and share the experiences of how to integrate sexuality and sensuality into a world that has forced so many of us to shapeshift and codeswitch rather than be ourselves, a world in which we are taught to hide our true natures. This new church would not encourage us to suppress natural tendencies, but rather teach us how to channel our sensual and erotic nature in healthy ways that avoid deep suffering and the skyrocketing mental health crises that benefit a masculine-based pharmaceutical industry. We could educate our young ones on how to live and thrive and partner with sexuality and sensuality as a natural part of life.
With wise women leadership, we could also help avoid giving prominence and prestige to noted sex abusers, including America’s current president, and much of the priesthood of the Catholic church. Even nuns, we’ve learned, are not safe from sexual predators in the priesthood. And it is unlikely they have anyone to turn to for their protection when such grievances occur.
How can we build such a thing, from the ground up?
*If you have ideas, I’m all ears! Share in the comments!
Photo by Alex Blăjan on Unsplash